A heart that doesn’t know how to forgive is a heart that hurts.
“Go on then Great Wanderer,” the voice whispers. “Jump.”
My first Saturn Return was a time of boundaries and blockages, of breakdowns and breakups, and of stagnation and strife. Like a harsh teacher from hell, Saturn came down on my 7th and 10th houses like a ton of bricks. Everything I had, knew and was came crashing down. There were so many days I felt like I was crawling through a dark lonely tunnel where there would be no light at the end of it all. But as I look back now – I realise that I spent those three and a half years building a foundation that’s solid, resilient and tough.
The Sun is the 19th card in the major arcana. It’s a card that represents finally seeing the light again after a long dark tunnel. It’s about re-finding that part of yourself that’s untouched and unmarked by pain, loss and suffering. The Sun is the Soul. Unlike the transient nature of our human experience, the soul is eternal, unwavering, constant.
“When your soul is filled with genuine wonderment,” he said, “it forms of the essence of your being.”
The Two of Cups is an odd card. To me, it always looked like a prom date from 400 years ago. Boy meets girl at a party. Maybe they connect. Maybe they don’t. But exactly what is it that connects two people and repels two others? What is it that causes a particular person to rouse certain emotions in us while the large majority of people we meet are nothing but strangers all on the same life journey?
Yes – it was a long time ago. Yes – people can and will tell you to get over it. Yes – perhaps they’re even right. But till pain is healed – it just hurts. And there’s very little that anyone can do about it. Hell – maybe you even want to get over it and you can’t.
I open my eyes each morning and I just don’t want to go on anymore. Everything feels like an enormous effort. A voice inside me gently whispers, “Not much longer now. You can do this.” I haul my tired soul out of bed and stand under the hot shower. There is cleansing quality to the experience. I close my eyes and let the water wash over me. When I’m done, I crawl back into bed. Terrible. I know. I delay the moment when I must go out and face the world. I delay it till I can delay it no longer. I reluctantly make a cup of coffee and eat my breakfast. In truth, I have no appetite – but if I don’t eat, my body won’t function. I have a physically active job and I can’t afford to leave home on an empty stomach.
The horn sounds loudly. Reminding you that the past is long gone and there’s no looking back. Don’t you dare look back.
And as I settled into relaxation mode, I realised how tired I was. It’s kind of like running long distance. As long as you keep going, you don’t realise how tired you are. But the moment you slow down to catch your breath – all that running on empty catches up with you. I felt depleted, drained and just devil-may-care. I didn’t feel like being the together and responsible person that I ordinarily am. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody from work or going out to socialise. I needed time to recuperate. Hibernate. Replenish my tired soul.