Since June 2018, my life has been in crisis mode. After leaving Japan on a particularly high and euphoric note, nothing in my life has quite gone right. And most of it has nothing to do with me. External influences, unexpected events and unknown circumstances have shown up out of nowhere and turned my life upside down and inside out.
I had it all planned out. I really did.
And then everything blew up in my face.
Not once. Not twice, but time and time and time again.
One of the reasons why I haven’t been blogging much of late is that so much of these events are of such a private and delicate nature that I don’t even know where to begin and where to end. But it’s suffice to say that it’s been one shit storm after the next. And it’s been an ongoing shit storm where things have seriously blindsided me.
I really really didn’t see that coming.
I don’t consider myself a weak or fragile person, but a couple of days ago I finally had it. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just couldn’t bear it anymore.
And then it happened.
A total breakdown.
I spent the night crying in bed.
We never know when that certain something is going to push us over the edge. But it happens, even to the best of us.
And I was pushed… boundaries tested and then broken… and then finally I reached that breaking point… and then there was no return.
I’d had it.
Dear God, I cannot take it anymore. I cannot go on like this anymore.
I surrender my life to you. I surrender my life to you.
I have been here before. I’ve been in a place where life asked me to let go of everything I built. The last time this happened, I resisted it. There’s always hope, right? Someway to salvage the problem and ‘fix’ it. And then I realised that sometimes there just isn’t. It’s better to just let it all go.
Just cut your losses and get out before things get even worse.
And experience has taught me to do that sooner rather than later.
And so it’s been months and months of just having life blow up in my face… I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve had to pick up the phone and reach out to a lifeline in the middle of one of those terrible shit storms. And by God’s Grace, I’ve been cushioned from situations that could have been bad.
Like really bad.
And now here I am. Staying in the basement of a synagogue with a prayer book in my hand and my own personal rabbi to answer all my personal queries about life, God and the Universe.
And as I flipped though the prayerbook and read and re-read the verses, I finally found the elusive sense of peace that I was desperately searching for.
I quickly realised that I was not alone in the Universe.
But then again – are we ever?