For the past two months I’ve been a bit behind on my blog posts. And no – it’s not got nothing to do with procrastination or laziness. The truth is – I just haven’t been up to it. I simply haven’t been in the right headspace. After my prolonged Saturn Return festivities ended, I came down with a terrible case of the blues. The worst part of it all is that I can’t seem to understand why.
In Beijing, I felt a certain stirring, a certain beckoning, a certain awakening. I know that feeling. I know it because I’ve felt it before and I remember it well. And yet I’ve gone without it for so long that I had given up on the idea that I would ever feel that way again.
And now that I’ve returned to Japan, each sunrise and each sunset feels like a terrible burden. A monotonous drudgery that repeats itself day in and day out for no other reason than because it must. Everything a routine obligatory task that only exists on the surface. Duty, duty and more duty. Desire left the building a long long time ago.
I open my eyes each morning and I just don’t want to go on anymore. Everything feels like an enormous effort. A voice inside me gently whispers, “Not much longer now. You can do this.” I haul my tired soul out of bed and stand under the hot shower. There is cleansing quality to the experience. I close my eyes and let the water wash over me. When I’m done, I crawl back into bed. Terrible. I know. I delay the moment when I must go out and face the world. I delay it till I can delay it no longer. I reluctantly make a cup of coffee and eat my breakfast. In truth, I have no appetite – but if I don’t eat, my body won’t function. I have a physically active job and I can’t afford to leave home on an empty stomach.
I thought that after the barriers of my Saturn Return lifted, I would feel happier – but instead, the full extent of how hard and difficult the past 3 years have been came down on me like a ton of bricks. I know this feeling. I know it because this is not the first time I’ve felt this way. My body is here – and my mind is forcing it to go through the motions – but my heart and soul have left the building. They want nothing more to do with any of this.
Have any of you ever felt this way? That there’s just no point anymore?
Grief and loss are two emotions that all of us will experience during some point in our lives. In both the Hindu and Jewish faiths – there is a place for these emotions. The ancients understood that it is a natural and normal part of life that must be integrated into the human experience. But these days, we humans are different. We want to solve it all with a pill and wish away the blues. We feel the need to get up and get on with it.
But there’s a reason why we have these emotions. In the Seven of Vessels from the Wildwood Tarot Deck, we see seven empty cups. A skull sits silently in the background. Something has died. Something is over.
The heaviness I feel doesn’t come from having lost something. The heaviness comes from the fact that something inside me has been dead for a long long time. And as it slowly comes back to life – I mourn the part of me that has been dead this whole time.
I have a feeling I won’t be in Japan much longer. It’s just a matter of time now. Just a matter of time now…